The Boondocks meets China, IL
by CKingwill
Summary: After taking a practice ACT test at age 12, Huey Freeman receives an impressive score that attracts the attention of a university. Granddad, eager for scholarship cash, sets up a visit to the University of China, Illinois. Unbeknownst to the Freemans, this school was deemed the worst college in America. Antics between UCI denizens and The Boondocks gang are sure to occur.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"HUEY!" Robert Freeman's painfully commanding voice echoed to the upstairs of the Freeman residence.

"What Granddad?" Huey asked, looking up in annoyance from the page he was reading of _Ruins of Empires._ He was also glowering with disgust when he learned that Ronald Reagan seemingly became President for the rest of his life as if by magic.

"Get yo' ass downstairs! I got an announcement!" Groaning, Huey got off his bed and headed downstairs to their living room. He was greeted by both Robert and Riley.

"Aye Granddad be wanting to take us on some gay trip" Riley informed Huey.

"Damn it boy! You ruined the surprise!" Robert growled in frustration.

"Where are we going?" asked Huey in a suspicious tone.

"We're going on a road trip —"

"Gay" muttered Riley.

"—to visit a university!" At the mention of college, Huey's eyes widened.

"Um Granddad, in case you've forgotten, I'm 12."

"I know that! I ain't stupid! You took some ACT for the hell of it back in March. Well, I sent in that test and you got a really good score! You got a 30!"

"Really? Huey asked, amazed at his own work.

"Your score attracted the attention of a college. And they were kind enough to offer you the chance to visit their campus already!"

Huey's mind began to race. _Ivy league? Doubtful. Community? Pshhhh no._

"Which college?"

"The University of China, Illinois!" Robert declared with excitement. "It's super cheap!"

"Hahehaheha! China, Illinois! The fuck is that!" Riley rocked with laughter.

"I don't like the sound of this" Huey muttered as he scowled.

The following week, Robert had arranged for a cross-country bus service to take him, Huey, and Riley across the country into Illinois. (It was cheaper than flying). Huey begrudgingly packed a suitcase of clothes and his laptop with his academic credentials on file just in case the admissions people needed to see them. Riley packed nothing except a Nike hoodie, his phone, Beats, a toothbrush, a new gold chain he found, and sunglasses which he packed into a sketchy-looking Adidas sackpack. Robert had his suitcase packed and he and his grandsons waited outside on their porch for their bus. It was a warm Tuesday evening in May.

Soon, a bus pulled up, almost completely enshrouded in exhaust smoke. The Freemans made their way to the bus doors as they opened. "Oh hell no! Of course it's you niggas!" grumbled Uncle Ruckus, the bus driver.

"Ruckus?" asked Robert.

"I guess I'm the conductor of the negro express all the way to China, Illinois!" Ruckus sighed. The Freemans climbed aboard, depositing their tickets into a box as they went.

"Anyone else here?"

"No. No white folks so far. Y'all are three-fifths of a person anyways so you niggas don't count as occupants on my bus. And if a white man asks for yo' seat, you sure as hell give him your seat!"

Huey Freeman sat down and sighed, thinking this will be a long ride for a worthless trip.

The bus made stops, picking people up and letting them off but nobody stayed on as long as the Freemans. Ruckus drove through Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Indiana before finally reaching the Chicago area which, Ruckus bypassed with an excruciatingly long detour through the countryside downstate. The University of China, Illinois was a university situated in China, Illinois which was a city in the middle of Illinois.

At long last, they arrived in China, Illinois. And it had only taken 6 long days. Ruckus simply ignored Robert when the latter requested help with baggage so he and the boys carried everything out of the bus and to their motel, the "Screw You Motel". Ruckus checked into the same motel but he arranged to get a room on the other side of the building, out of sight of the Freeman family. As he watched them carry their baggage through the motel lobby, he said, "I'd help y'all with yo' bags, but y'all are coons."

Later that same night, Huey and Riley left their room, leaving Robert alone. Unexpectedly, he received a phone call from Uncle Ruckus from the latter's own separate but better room on the other side of the motel.

"Yes, Ruckus?"

"Robert Freeman! I am already giving this town a bad review! A few minutes ago, I turned on the local news. Instead of a beautiful white woman or a charming, charismatic white man, I get a blond haired negro!" Robert sighed.

"Goodbye Ruckus" he muttered, hanging up.

After they settled in, Huey and Riley walked around the motel perimeter, exploring the town.

"Aye, why almost everybody pale as a bitch here?" asked Riley. Huey had noticed the same thing. Most of the people in China, Illinois were white but they were also deathly pale. It was as if they were sick or something. Their eyes weren't as big as the eyes people had back home in Woodcrest. Huey felt like their little entourage of Woodcrest citizens stood out.

"Aye, this college's mascot is a panda! That's so gay!" Riley joked as he skimmed, not read a brochure for UCI.

"Riley, pandas are an endangered species" Huey sternly replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means that they could go extinct."

"Extinct nigga?"

"They could die out."

"Oh. That's gay."

Huey answered with silence.

"So you hate this place? You gonna hate this college?"

"Yes. This town is outlandish and strange with a comical effect. I did some research and UCI was voted 'the worst college in America'."

"Hahehahehaha fo'real?! Damn, I think I'd actually get into to this place! Place must be off the chain!"

"For you maybe. I wish we were at Miles College."

"What's that?"

"A predominantly black college in Alabama."

"Gay" Riley replied.

"I'm turning in for the night. I got a big day tomorrow apparently" Huey sighed.

"I'm pumped for UCI nigga!"

"I'm not" Huey flatly replied.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The next day, it started out as a bright and sunny day in China, Illinois. The Freemans and Uncle Ruckus ate breakfast and then set out for the university which was in the center of town. As Ruckus drove the bus through town, the group of Maryland natives became familiar with surroundings such as the Town Bar, the supermarket called "Food 4 Thought", and several isolated suburban neighborhoods near campus. The people of China, Illinois were also going about their daily lives.

Meanwhile, in the History Department at UCI, the Smith brothers and their aide, Pony Merks were having a typical afternoon: sitting around and doing nothing as they waited for their class periods to commence. Pony paced around the room while the brothers each did their own respective chore.

"Ugh I can't get Baby Cakes out of his house and to class!" Pony groaned in frustration.

"Why's that?" asked Steve while he admired his reflection through his hand mirror as if he were a movie star.

"He's now obsessed with watching black people sitcoms. I mean, not to be racist, it's just annoying. All he watches now are BET shows, _Fresh Prince, black-ish, The Cosby Show, the Proud Family, and even That's so Raven."_

"Pffff haha those last two are children's shows!" laughed Steve.

"Oh give that loser some time. He'll move on in a few days; just like when he wanted me to be his magical pet that one time" said Frank.

"Hahaha. Maybe he can give me some dating tips. I'm seeing a black woman right now" joked Steve.

"I've tried texting, calling, and even skyping with him. He either ignores my calls or messages or he replies back using some kind of ghetto lingo" sighed Pony.

"Well, he's letting his grades drop. Let him fuck himself" said Frank confidently.

Suddenly, the door to the History Department was thrown open by a massive form in the form of Baby Cakes.

"Yo BC be up in here!" he declared, throwing his hands up. He slapped Pony on her ass who flinched, feeling violated. He gave Steve a fistpound who happily responded back while he gave Frank a pat on the back. "Damn guys, I be feelin' fresher than fresh today, yo!"

"What the fuck is this?!" asked Frank.

Baby Cakes took the bottle of beer from Frank's hand and chugged the remainder of it down in one gulp.

"I'm here to see my homies. Ya feel me?"

"Oh" replied Frank. "You going to rap for us too?" he asked sarcastically. Baby Cakes took the question seriously.

"Nah homie. I be still learnin' to spit dem verses. Soon though. Soon fo' real."

"Well Baby Cakes, are you going to keep calling us homies?" Steve asked slyly. "Isn't there something else you wanna say?"

"Yeah, yeah! I best get goin'. Later, my niggas!" he said as he slammed the door. Pony's mouth gaped open.

"Did he just say —"

"Ah, yeah! I've never been called that before! Feels great even though he's white!" said Steve happily.

Cut scene shows Baby Cakes wandering campus, acting black.

"Flip Flop my homie, keep it real!" Baby Cakes said, greeting the ghetto-oriented sandal-wearing kid.

"Yo yo I be keepin' it real everyday yo!" Flip Flop replied, giving Baby Cakes a pound. Baby Cakes then turned to Flip Flop's friend, Matt Attack. Matt was black.

"Matt, you lookin' all fly! You makin' that cash money?"

"Ummm yeah, I recently got a job, thanks for asking" Matt replied awkwardly. He frowned at Baby Cakes' less than normal behavior.

"So you getting dem hoes then? Huh huh?" Flip Flop burst in laughter while Matt still frowned.

"Baby Cakes… I have a girlfriend, remember?" Matt asked.

"Oh, oh yeah. Damn."

"Man BC, you got your swag on today!" laughed Flip Flop.

"Hahaha thanks" Baby Cakes laughed.

"We gots to go to class" said Flip Flop. "Check ya later."

"See ya niggas!" Matt scowled at Baby Cakes. He flipped Baby Cakes off while Flip Flop slowly laughed awkwardly as the two wandered away from Baby Cakes.

Uncle Ruckus had taken the liberty, well Robert convinced him, to drive the Freemans to the UCI campus. As the Freemans exited the bus, Robert found Ruckus trailing behind.

"You coming inside, Ruckus?" he asked.

"Yes Robert, I am. With my small nigga brain, fat negro lips, and disgustingly dark skin, curtesy of re-vitiligo, I had never gotten the opportunity to attend college, not even community college. It warms my heart to see so many white folks attending college. I want to take a look and see all the white folks enjoying college" Ruckus said with a sad smile.

Robert seemed to nod while the two boys scoffed at Ruckus's story. They had made their way through a pair of sliding doors and had found themselves inside the Admissions office for the university. Robert walked over to the front desk where a college-aged girl was working as a receptionist. The girl was pale and had long ginger red hair. As Robert prepared to talk to her, he couldn't help but stare at her, mesmerized.

"Well, hello sunshine."

"Oh heheheheahaha somebody's called me that before" she laughed, speaking in a country girl accent.

"Oh how cute! Ummm anyways, I'm Robert Freeman. I brought my grandson Huey for a campus visit."

"Oh right! You got the brainy boy! Wonderful! Unfortunately, our tour guides are all on break right now and we have yet to prepare for your arrival…. Sorry Mr. Freeman…"

"What?! Ah c'mon! That's some ol' bullshit!" Robert protested.

"I'm soooooo sorry. Let me call the Dean and we'll see what we can do. Y'all just sit tight in the meantime."

Robert sighed and sat back down with his grandsons.

Huey, having overheard the fiasco with admissions, said with a sneer to his granddad, "And you had high expectations for this school." Huey pulled out his cellphone which had an incoming text message from his friend, Jazmine.

Jazmine: _Huey!_

Huey: _What do you want Jazmine_

Jazmine: _Do you like UCI?_

Huey: _No_

Jazmine: _Oh! Why?_

Huey: _It's awful_

Jazmine: _Why?_

Huey: _It just is_

Jazmine: _Oh. Well, my daddy and I are on a road trip and he's letting us stop in at China, Illinois! We can all have dinner!_

Huey: _Whatever. Expect a horrible time here._

"Oh shit, Jazmine's coming here?" Riley asked, peaking at Huey's text messages. He snickered at the thought of Huey messaging her. "Damn nigga, can this trip get any gayer?!" Riley sighed. Huey simply scowled at Riley.

Meanwhile, Uncle Ruckus was sitting as far away from the Freemans as he possibly could. He got himself some white man water from the white man bubbler and waited.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"What?! There's a visiting student here but he isn't getting a tour?! Shit!" the Dean cried as Sunshine called him on the phone.

"Yes Sir. Should I go find a student or somebody to help?"

No! Leave that shit to me! I know just who to get!" the Dean declared as he hung up the phone.

The Dean found Baby Cakes sitting under a tree watching rap videos on his iPad.

"Baby Cakes!" the Dean bellowed.

"Wassup?"

"I need you to be a tour guide for some visitors today. They got some really smart kid and I want you to give them a good impression of UCI so that he decides to attend school here someday. Get them…. hazed or something."

"Man, hell no. I got my own shit to do, dawg."

"Baby Cakes! I don't know why, but you seem dumber than usual but I'm not buying into it! I don't give a fuck if you're a student or some dipshit aid, you're doing your job here, understand?"

Baby Cakes gave a long sigh.

"Man. Fine, I'll help."

"Good man."

"Where are they?"

"They're waiting inside the Admissions office."

"All right."

"Get your fatass in there!"

"Yeah, yeah."

Baby Cakes entered the Admissions office. He found what appeared to be a family consisting of some old guy, another old guy, and two pre-teen children who were all black. _Black people. I wanna watch my black people shows like The Game or Bobby Jones Gospel or even The Cosby Show…_ Baby Cakes thought to himself. He saw that one old man had gray hair, was balding, and he had eyeglasses on. Baby Cakes suddenly thought: _Bill Cosby?_

The Freemans suddenly noticed a new man enter the office. He was pale, bald, hairless, and had to be 6 foot 8 at least. He wore a purple T-shirt and neon green pants with polka dots.

Riley was pacing about the room when the man walked up to him.

"The fuck you want nigga?" Riley greeted Baby Cakes. Riley looked at him from his feet all the way up to his head. "Yo' clothes are gay" Riley spat.

"Aye little man, you the scholarship boy, Huey Freeman?" the man asked in a smooth, monotone voice.

"Hell no! That's my bitch ass brother!" Riley responded, gesturing to his right to Huey.

"Oh! Well Huey, I'm Baby Cakes and I'll be your tour guide today" Baby Cakes said, shaking Huey's hand. Huey glared up at the giant man. "Welcome to China, Illinois!" the giant bald man sang. "Man, I sounded so serious!"

"So this is who I get: some demented, gargantuan man-child" Huey stated with animosity.

"Aye, let's be happy here. No need for name-calling" Baby Cakes protested.

"Boy! Show this man some respect!" Robert snapped at Huey.

"Yes Huey, show this _white man_ some proper respect. If I was your granddad, I'd be making you shine this fine young man's shoes!" Uncle Ruckus sneered at Huey.

"Oh you're too kind" replied Baby Cakes. "So, where would you guys like to go first?"

"You don't have a set schedule?" Huey asked suspiciously.

"Uh uh I'm winging it. Your choice."

"Let's go to the library" Huey ordered Baby Cakes. "I want to have a look at this school's educational quality from a literacy standpoint."

"I don't know what that means, but sure" replied Baby Cakes. Huey rolled his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

As they walked, Baby Cakes couldn't stop looking at Robert. _He looks like Bill Cosby!_ He kept thinking.

In the back of the group, Riley whispered to Huey: "Aye, this nigga look gay but he seem alright actually."

"If you say so. Everything at this school seems off, including him" Huey responded.

The tour group passed students and staff alike. Handfuls of students seemed very unruly.

"Alright so we here at the library" Baby Cakes informed his tour group. He gestured to the library, a four-story building that would have been more appealing, save for the collapsed left wall. "That was some accident earlier this month" Baby Cakes said, regarding the wreckage. "This library was built on an ancient Native American burial ground. But hey, basically all of America was built on Native American burial grounds." Out of nowhere, Baby Cakes slipped out a bottle of beer and uncapped it and took a huge swig.

"Isn't drinking on campus… illegal?" Robert stuttered in asking.

"Nah Bill — I mean — I'm 30" Baby Cakes also stammered.

"Oh. Can I get a swig?"

"Hell yeah!" Robert happily took a sip of Baby Cakes' beer.

"Dem niggas and getting' drunk" Uncle Ruckus muttered with a scowl.

"Man dis college ain't lame so far" Riley said.

"How can you say that?" asked Huey.

"Man, dat nigga be drinking beer in public like nobody be giving a fuck! If Young Reezy was up all in here, I be cheating niggas and selling hoes and nobody would give no fucks neither! Man, U of China, Illinois is da shit!"

"I second that!" Baby Cakes called back to Riley. Baby Cakes, with the beer still in his hand, opened the door for everyone to enter into the library.

"So yeah, our books are grouped by academic subject" Baby Cakes said as he led his tour group through rows and bookcases.

"It's bigger than I thought it would be" Huey observed.

"UCI is a big school, little man" Baby Cakes replied.

"See Huey? You could probably read all these books!" said Robert, believing that he had found something to chastise Huey with in regards to the university.

"As if I would want to read _The Hunger Games_ series" Huey mused.

"But we got books about Geometry, Geography, Physics, —"

"Geometry isn't a college-level math class…" An irritated Huey said slowly and coldly.

Following their painfully annoying visit to the library, Baby Cakes, upon Huey's request, brought Huey and the group to UCI's History Department.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"So here we got our History Department" Baby Cakes informed the group. He was leading them down the department's main hallway.

"So Baby Cakes, is Baby Cakes your actual name?" Uncle Ruckus asked. "'Baby' is one white man name I have never heard before in my long, re-vitiligo-ridden life."

"My real name is Mark but I prefer Baby Cakes" Baby Cakes replied quickly.

"Oh okay" Ruckus said.

"Here's our Department's office" Baby Cakes said, taking it upon himself to let the tour group inside the office.

"Whoa there BC, I thought we agreed: no tour groups in here!" Steve Smith exclaimed from behind his desk.

"This is my nig— I mean this is my friend Steve Smith. He's the Head of the History Department."

"Hey guys, I'm Steve" Steve said. "I teach history here and so does my brother but I'm the cooler brother. Now leave." A somewhat pudgy Hispanic girl with long black hair and a green shirt came into the room. "Pony" said Steve, "go make some copies for me. The Stevemeister here needs to prepare for a party later tonight."

"Do it yourself, Steve" the girl apparently named Pony replied rudely.

"And that is my friend, Pony" Baby Cakes said. "She's a teacher's assistant so she thinks she's special."

"You're special, BC" Pony retorted.

"Thank you Pony! I do consider myself to be magical! I just need more friends."

"Yeah, sure."

"Pfff hoe" Riley said to Pony. He made his way over to Pony, leaped, and smacked the young Hispanic woman across the face. "Shut up hoe!"

"OW! Fuck you! You little fuck!" Pony yelled at Riley. "Jesus Christ Baby Cakes, is this one of your tour groups?!"

"Yeah the kid in the afro here is really smart."

"Yeah, I guess" responded Huey. "But so far, I'm not interested in your school."

"Oh, you got the right idea!" Pony agreed as she rubbed her face. "This school sucks ass! In more ways than one."

"Shut up Pony! Don't convince him not to go here!" Baby Cakes yelled.

"Shut up hoe!" Riley yelled once more.

"BC, you only have it easy because your dad is a professor so you get free tuition. And, you don't do shit here yet no one penalizes you for it." Pony turned to Huey. "Look dude, this school sucks and it's expensive as fuck."

"The brochure said it's the cheapest school in America" argued Robert.

"The Dean made that shit up, dude" said Pony.

"Ahhhh hell no! We were scammed!" groaned Robert.

"Could we see some of the actual classes?" Huey asked Baby Cakes.

"Aye sure we can!" Baby Cakes replied happily. "C'mon, I'll show you where Frank teaches!"

"Have fun" Steve said in a mocking tone.

History professor Frank Smith was about to lose his sanity to the stress he was forced to endure from his unruly students. Every single time he opened his mouth, his voice was overpowered by the constant and thunderous babbling of his students neglecting his lesson plan.

"Hey! Hey! Shut up you rat dicks!" Frank shrieked at his oblivious students.

"Holy shit it's loud up in here!" Flip Flop declared. "Party!"

"Oh Frank" Baby Cakes said, interrupting the lesson and the chaos by opening the door. "I got a tour group with me."

"Oh Baby Cakes, get the fuck outta here!" ordered Frank. "Can't you see I'm teaching?"

"You're not teaching anything" Huey spoke up.

"Yeah?" Frank spat back. "I'm trying to teach them about how the North won the Civil War!"

"The North technically won the Civil War from a military perspective" Huey replied. "However, they did win something bigger."

"Was it cash?" Flip Flop asked. The class suddenly seemed interested in Huey.

"Nope. You see, the South won the Civil War in terms of historical memory. That's why the spirit of the Confederacy lives on to this day, even in the face of Northern victory."

"Errrrrrrr! Stop doing my job!" Frank protested. Huey pulled down a map of the United States. Frank flinched at the sight of the boy touching his materials.

"Racism still exists in America, thanks to the Reconstruction never being completed."

"Frank never told us about Reconstruction" said a student named Pemsey.

"Well I'll be glad to tell you all about it" replied Huey.

"Now hold on there!" Uncle Ruckus shouted, stepping in front of Huey. "I'm sure this nice white man had reason to gloss over these lies from the Civil War. Basic moral was that we lost slavery and now we got unchained monkeys who are free and voting."

"Hey whoa whoa! Now I'm confused!" another student protested.

"Errrrrrr! Ahhhhhhhh! Fine! Teach my class, you rat dicks!" Frank spat. "Be the fucking teachers!" Frank shouted before stomping out of the classroom. "If you come into the bathroom, it won't be me masturbating to Kim Kardashian, but rather it'll be me reading a book in there!" he added before finally storming out of the room.

"Aye Huey, this gonna take long?" Baby Cakes asked. "'Cause we got lunch next."

"Only about 35 minutes."

"Ohhhhh I want lunch nigga!" Riley protested. "Young Reezy can't be running them streets on no empty stomach. That be some ol' bullshit!"

"Yo he right" agreed Flip Flop. "I'm hungry and I can't learn on an empty ass stomach. Yo, I say we pause this and go eat some. This new little man be making even more sense" he said, gesturing to Riley. 'He's the cooler brotha" he added, comparing Riley to Huey.

"Don't you all think I should be teaching this lesson still?" questioned Huey.

"Hmmmm no. Let's all get something to eat!" declared Baby Cakes after making up his mind.

Satisfied, the class and the tour group all disembarked from the classroom and made their way to the Student Cafeteria.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Wow Daddy, this school is neat!" Jazmine DuBois exclaimed to her father, Tom. They had just drove into China, Illinois and had found the university without much of an issue. "But the people here seem really pale. Their eyes are so small too…"

"Uhhh yeah I guess Jazmine…." Tom responded. Tom was eyeing what seemed to disorder and mayhem in the form of students rushing to classes late, students sitting around doing nothing for God knows what, and some very muscular blond man roaming and shoving people around intentionally. That same ripped guy was heading in Tom's direction.

"MOVE!" the Dean bellowed as he shoved Tom out of his way. Tom fell in the grass like a scared little puppy.

"Daddy!" cried Jazmine.

"Oh is he your dad, little girl?" the Dean asked. "Are you visitors?" The Dean didn't help Tom up from the ground.

"Yes we are…" Tom said slowly as he rubbed grass off his suit. "We're looking for the Freeman party."

"Dipshit, the other visitors should be visiting our Five Star cafeteria by now! Check there! Retard!" the Dean ordered them. Tom and Jazmine parted ways with the Dean and headed over to the cafeteria. As the Dean wandered away as well, his phone started ringing. "Is this a man or a woman?"

"Mayor here! And hey, that's Mayor's line!" the Mayor of China, Illinois bellowed through the phone into the Dean's ear.

"Oh. What do you want now, Mayor?"

"Mayor, just received word that some guy parked illegally on your campus! He parked in a handicapped spot!"

"What?! What did he look like?! I'll beat his ass!"

"Some black guy. Kinda tall. Caramel complexion. Cops got there too late to grab him but he had a little girl with him." The Dean stopped to think for a moment.

"Hold on, was the girl kind of a ginger?"

"Mayor seems to think so, why?"

"I just saw them! They were looking for some other visitors called the Freemans!"

"Shit, looks we got a manhunt!"

"Aight so all this food is on Admissions!" Baby Cakes declared with happiness as he brought his group to the cafeteria.

"Damn! Them niggas got pizza, wings, cookies, fried chicken, fried corn, tater tots, and all dat good shit!" Riley observed excitedly.

"Yep we got the best food" said Baby Cakes.

"What about a salad bar?" Huey asked. "Or fruit? Is this food even FDA approved?"

"Pretty sure it is, Huey."

Riley, Robert, and even Ruckus were digging into the buffet of unhealthy food options while Huey hung back. After Baby Cakes got his plate of food, he found a vacant lunch table for them all to sit at.

"What up homies!" he shouted over to Matt and Flip Flop, who sat at a table to the right of him.

"Aye BC was good" Flip Flop replied.

"S'up" Matt simply stated.

The Freemans and Uncle Ruckus sat down with Baby Cakes.

"Yo it's the cooler brotha!" Flip Flop declared when he saw Riley. Riley found the ghetto-oriented kid cheering him on.

"Yeah yeah Young Reezy's back yo!"

"Hell yeah! Name's Flip Flop."

"Flip Flop?"

"Yeah 'cause I wear them flips. This is my bro Matt."

"Yo" said Matt.

"So both you niggas go to dis school?"

"Yep. I'm a football player here" Matt replied.

"I'm on the booze team" Flip Flop joked.

"Cool" Riley said, believing both of the young men. "So does dis school actually suck? We ran into some beaner hoe who claims that it does."

"You must've met Pony" said Matt. "That bitch is always bitching about something, one way or another."

"Aight well I smacked dat hoe flat so she don't got shit on dis nigga" said Riley. "And one more thing: why you guys called the Pandas? That sounds gay." Matt seemed to scowl before sighing.

"Man, we're stuck with that shit. Pandas are from the country of China, so yeah."

"Y'all should be the Demons o' somethin'."

"True" sighed Flip Flop.

Meanwhile, Baby Cakes refrained from speaking to Huey, Robert, or Ruckus as he had pulled out his phone. Huey noticed that Baby Cakes was listening to some Drake song.

"Well, there are negroes here" Ruckus sighed, breaking the silence. "Your future ex-con wouldn't be alone" he said, referring to Huey.

"I'm starting to hate this school too, Huey" Robert admitted to his grandson. Two new voices interrupted Huey before he could respond.

"Hey Robert! Huey!"

"Huey!"

The Freemans turned to find Tom DuBois and his daughter Jazmine heading for their table. Tom pulled up a seat for Jazmine next to Huey while he squeezed in by Robert and Ruckus. Robert unwillingly exchanged a handshake with Tom.

"So you like the school?" he asked.

"The hell you two doing here?"

"Road trip. Jazmine wanted to see the school where your boys were so yeah we stopped."

"Well, you're —"

"Who are they?" Baby Cakes interrupted. He had just noticed Tom and Jazmine.

"Baby Cakes, these are our friends from back where we're from. Tom and Jazmine, meet Baby Cakes. He's been showing us around."

"And he's white as rice!" Ruckus added.

Tom shook Baby Cakes' hand slowly.

"You're quite a large man" Tom said. "Are you a student here?"

"I don't really know why I'm here, to be honest" Baby Cakes replied.

"Ohhhhh. Okay then."

"Hi Huey! I'm here now! Do you like the school now, Huey?" Jazmine piped to Huey.

"Eh. Not really."

"I think the campus is pretty."

"There's more to college than looks Jazmine. You have to consider the tuition fees, housing quality, educational quality, and the people. And so far, the people here seem dumb."

"Oh" Jazmine sighed. "But their mascot is a cute panda bear!"

"There's more to college than the mascot too" Huey muttered. Jazmine noticed Riley talking to two college kids.

"Riley's making friends here. Maybe you just have to make friends here and you'll like this school."

"Jazmine, I have 6 years until I go off to college. This trip is a waste of time because college is the least of my priorities right now."

"Are friends your biggest priority?"

"Nope."

"Huhhhhhh" Jazmine sighed.

Baby Cakes turned his attention back to his tour group that now included Tom and Jazmine.

"Okay people, this lunch is kind of the end of our tour. I'll take you all to the gift shop though. Try on our new and safe t-shirts and patented UCI alarm clocks!" He threw out his leftovers from lunch and waited for everyone else to finish eating before they all headed towards the UCI gift shop. As they were leaving, Riley said farewell to Matt and Flip Flop.

"Mr. Baby Cakes, are there real panda bears here in China, Illinois?" Jazmine piped to Baby Cakes. They were inside the gift shop and she had actively searched the store for anything panda-related. She had forced Tom to buy her a stuffed panda bear.

"Oh there sure are Jazmine! See, we're the Fighting Pandas. I'm gonna have a party tonight to celebrate homecoming for our Fighting Pandas baseball team!"

"Aye, you say party?" Riley asked, suddenly interested in the conversation.

"Yeah you wanna come?"

"Hell yeah! Ain't nobody don't invite Young Reezy to a party!"

"I wanna go too!" declared Jazmine. "I wanna see the panda!"

"Alright you both invited!" replied Baby Cakes.

"You two really aren't going to a party, are you?" Huey asked, breaking into the conversation.

"You wanna come too?" Baby Cakes asked. "I can get you hazed."

"No. Absolutely not. Riley and Jazmine are not going either."

"Nigga, leave me alone!" Riley protested.

"Yeah, Huey! You're not my daddy!"

Huey rolled his eyes.

"Okay, don't say I didn't warn you" he sighed.

"Where you goin' then?" Riley asked Huey. Huey narrowed his eyes.

"I want to check out the campus some more" he replied before sneaking off. After Huey left, Baby Cakes pulled Riley and Jazmine aside.

"All right guys, he clearly might snitch on us so we gotta move fast. It's 5:00 now and my party's starting in an hour. I gotta set everything up too. Let's go now before your parents know you're gone."

"Aight sounds good nigga."

"Ohhhh….. Okay….." Jazmine stammered.

With Robert, Ruckus, and Tom preoccupied and Huey aloof, Baby Cakes took his new child friends out a back exit and they hurried back to the suburban home that he shared with his father, Dr. Leonard Cakes.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

It was 6:30 pm. Ghetto rap music resonated within the Cakes residence. Partygoers filled nearly every room. Riley and Jazmine had helped their new friend Baby Cakes set up by setting up tables, chairs, furniture, and food. As guess filed in, Riley was anxious to party. However, Jazmine was holding him back.

"I'm scared" Jazmine said to Riley.

"Of what?! Yo' own shadow?"

"All these people. Daddy told me that college kids can be really dangerous. And we haven't seen Baby Cakes in a while."

"Aye that's the whole point of college: partying. BC be the type of nigga who turns it up early. He be partying and I be partying too." Riley headed downstairs to join the party. He was surrounded by people who, unbeknownst to him, were drunk as shit. "Yo! Young Reezy be joinin' in tonight niggas!" Riley shouted.

"Awe yo Reezy!" Flip Flop greeted Riley.

"Yo man I came to party!"

"Hell yeah you did!" As Flip Flop led Riley further into the chaos of the party, they came across Baby Cakes who was taking some shots.

"Awe Reezy" he said in a drunk tone. _"Get them hazed or something!"_ Baby Cakes remembered the Dean telling him this in regards to the tour group. "I got it!" he said. "Imma get you hazed."

"What's that?" Riley foolishly asked. "Aye, you got some Thugnificent tracks too nigga?"

"Sure do."

Meanwhile, Jazmine found the courage to go downstairs and see the party for herself. She was greeted by college kids jumping around, throwing up, and shouting. Disgusted by this, she was about to go find a door to leave when she heard a faint moan. She looked towards her left. Sure enough, sitting about 15 feet away from was a giant panda bear!

"Wow….." Jazmine slowly said. She ran to the panda. The panda, actually named Gang Sang, looked at Jazmine with lazy, black marble-like eyes. "You're so big!" Jazmine said excitedly. This giant panda was UCI's mascot. Gang Sang was wearing a purple robe and had a crown fit for a king on his head. "You're so cute!" He seemed to barely notice her. Unbeknownst to Jazmine, this giant panda was wasted as fuck. It took one more swig of beer before passing out on the couch. Jazmine touched his belly and realized that Gang Sang was sleeping. She gave the big black and white bear a loving hug.

While Riley and Jazmine were 'partying', Robert and Tom had realized that the children had gone missing. Panicking, they bypassed the hotel and convinced Ruckus to drive them around in search of the children. Tom left his car parked back on the UCI campus.

"I want my Jazmine back!" Tom cried. "This is all your fault, Robert Freeman!" he yelled at Robert.

"How the hell is this shit my fault Tom?"

"Because you're the one who brought your grandsons to this God-forsaken college in the first place!" he cried. "I don't want to lose my Jazmine and then lose my Sarah later!" he cried once more. Robert sighed under his breath. Even Huey was nowhere to be found.


	8. Chapter 8

"Ahhh! Looking forward to a relaxing evening!" Dr. Cakes said as he drove down his street towards the house that he shared with his son, Baby Cakes. Dr. Cakes was a scientist at UCI. "I'm going to have some supper under the stars with some vodka and have…. the party that my lunatic son is hosting…." He said as he pulled into his driveway, gazing with startled eyes at the party before him. "Every day it's something else!" he muttered. He keyed off the ignition, got out of his car, and braced himself for the party. Immediately, he was greeted by a short African-American boy nicknamed "Transfer Billy" who came running out of the Cakes house, shirtless and coated in what appeared to be beer. "Oh God" Dr. Cakes muttered, opening the door.

"So I did some research" Tom told Robert and Ruckus back on the latter's bus.

"And?" Robert asked.

"Our friend 'Baby Cakes' is the son of Leonard Cakes, a science professor at UCI. His house is in town and I have his address."

"What's the address?" Ruckus asked.

"515 Third Street."

"Alright then. Don't sit down yet niggas! We might be driving some white folks!" Ruckus shouted as he made a sharp turn, cutting down the street towards Third Street.

On Third Street, Huey Freeman was on the trail of Baby Cakes, Riley, and Jazmine. He had just left UCI after checking out the Dean's building, Admissions, and the Library one last time. The Dean seemed like a typical uptight asshole while Admissions seemed dumber than the students in that the people there viewed his ACT score as if it were a billion dollars. He had checked the Library for books on black history or Civil Rights, finding little to none. He looked up UCI's catalog. All he found was nonsense such as hog invasions, some shit about a diamond castle, math competitions, town riots, and a documented eyewitness sighting of the Easter Bunny at UCI. Now, he wanted to go find Riley and Jazmine before they get hazed or something by that gargantuan idiot named Baby Cakes. He looked in the UCI student and staff directory and learned that Baby Cakes lived with his father on Third Street. Huey just tuned onto Third Street when a car pulled up. The car contained two white guys and a Hispanic girl. Huey recognized them the history professors and the teacher's aid from earlier that same day.

"Yo kid, where you headed?" Steve Smith asked. "Haven't we seen you before?"

"That's the rat dick who took over my fucking lecture!" Frank Smith screamed.

"I'm Huey Freeman. Toured your school earlier" Huey told Steve.

"Oh right!" said Steve.

"Where's your family?" Pony asked Huey.

"My brother and my friend are with that big man child and I think they might be in trouble."

"Oh who, Baby Cakes?" Frank asked. "Pshhh they're fine. Baby Cakes might be big but he's no child molestor."

"That's not really what I meant" Huey said.

"You trying to get to Baby Cakes?" Pony asked Huey.

"Yeah."

"We can give you a ride, We're going to his house for a party actually."

"Whoa! Pony! Since when is my matte used to drive strangers?" Steve demanded.

"Shut up Steve! He's just a kid" Pony muttered.

"Fine. Huey hop in." Huey climbed into the backseat with Pony. Granddad had always taught him and Riley to not accept rides from strangers. However, these folks seemed like trustworthy folks.

A short time later, Steve pulled up at Baby Cakes' house. As Huey got out of the car, he could easily tell that the place was jumping. There were partying college kids on the front lawn, in the house, and on the roof. "What the hell is the occasion for this party?" Huey asked.

"Homecoming for baseball…. and just why not…" Steve replied, already drinking a bottle of beer.

As soon as Dr. Cakes opened the door into his house, he was repulsed by the sights of young adults binge drinking, doing body shots, and in some cases, doing each other. "Auagghhhh God!" he moaned. Dr. Cakes shoved his way through drunk person after drunk person, searching high and low for his son.

"All right Young Reezy, follow me!" Baby Cakes' serene and familiar voice was detected by Dr. Cakes' hearing over the sounds of the party. Dr. Cakes followed the voice downstairs to his basement laboratory. Suddenly, somebody crashed into him from behind.

Uncle Ruckus had just pulled up in front of the Cakes residence when Tom DuBois nearly crashed through the bus doors, sprinted up to the front door, kicked down the front door, and dodged drunk people left and right in search of Jazmine. As he rounded a corner passed a group of stoned kids, he bumped into Dr. Cakes.

"Hey watch where you're going asshole!" Dr. Cakes yelled at Tom DuBois.

"Sorry Sir! I'm looking for my daughter!"

"Daughter?"

"Yes my 12 year old daughter is somewhere in the midst of this frat party."

"Oh this ain't a frat. This is my house. I'm the father of the host unfortunately. I'm Dr. Cakes."

"You're that lunatic's father?! I mean no offense."

"Oh none taken! My son is a very special idiot."

"Okay then. I'm Tom."

"Good to meet ya Tom. Let's go find our kids. They might be in my basement." Dr. Cakes led Tom DuBois down into the basement.

Inside the Cakes' basement, Riley was having the experience of his life! He was going to get hazed! Baby Cakes had some marijuana ready for Riley to smoke. Flip Flop was there cheering him on. Meanwhile, Jazmine had gotten thirsty so Baby Cakes got her something to drink. He told her that the light brown, fizzy drink was a new type of tea. She drank some of it and initially thought it was gross. Riley saw what Jazmine was drinking. He was so tempted to tell her what it really was but he didn't. Unfortunately, Tom came out of nowhere and ruined it.

"JAZMINE! SPIT THAT BEER OUT THIS INSTANT YOUNG LADY!" Tom shrieked with utter anger. Riley saw him come tearing down the stairs followed by some other dude who was as pale as Baby Cakes. Tom ran up to Jazmine and snatched the cup of beer from her little hand.

"Daddy! What is this?!" she cried.

"You drank beer!" Tom screamed, waving the cup of alcohol in the poor little girl's face.

"Did you just give your daughter beer? I'm calling the cops!" Dr. Cakes shouted, pulling out his cellphone.

"What?! This isn't what it looks like!" Tom begged to Dr. Cakes.

"He's guilty Dad" Baby Cakes said, stepping out of the shadows. Behind him, Riley was about to try smoking marijuana.

"Oh God! Riley! Not you too!" Tom cried. Tom shoved Flip Flop aside and practically punched the blunt out of Riley's hand as if it were a punching bag.

"Aye Tom! You gay" Riley muttered. Tom had completely forgotten about Dr. Cakes.

"Hello 911? Yeah I got a guy here at my house party giving alcohol to minors" Dr. Cakes said into his phone. "Huh, what? Yeah I'll hold. Wait what? You got a guy who parked illegally on campus loose too? Oh wow."

"What's up Dad?" Baby Cakes asked his father rather innocently.

"Son, I got the cops coming. Why did you bring these kids home with you for a party?" Dr. Cakes asked, referring to Riley and Jazmine. Tom froze at the mentioning of cops arriving on the scene.

"Ahhhh you know. A nigga's gotta find some new homies…" Baby Cakes said slowly, reverting back to his ghetto lingo.

"Now don't you talk black to me, son! This ain't Chicago!" Baby Cakes scowled at his father.

"Fucking dad" he muttered.

Meanwhile, Riley stood unhappily alongside a traumatized Jazmine while Tom was biting his nails in fear.

Robert and Ruckus were surveying the house party from outside when metta pulled up. Robert recognized that cool professor, Frank, the annoying one, and their assistant, Pony Merks. Following them was Huey. Immediately, Frank ditched Steve and Pony to go inside for the party because he wanted to hook up with some girls.

"Huey! Where the hell have you been?!" demanded Robert.

"Granddad! I'm glad you're here! Riley and Jazmine are in there!"

"Boy, I know that! Tom just ran in there after them! Oh Lord, I don't want my littlest grandson or that sweet little baby to get drunk or high on anything!"

"I know. I'm going in there too. You stay out here."

"Fine. But I don't want you getting' into nothing either!"

"Understood."

"Control your little negro hooligan urges!" Ruckus ordered Huey. Huey nodded to Robert and ignored Uncle Ruckus. He darted in to save Riley, Jazmine, and maybe Tom as well.

As soon as Huey had left, several police cars and SWAT trucks pulled up. Steve and Pony who were still outside, looked on at the new arrivals along with Robert and Ruckus. Two very buff men stepped out of one of the trucks. The first man was blond, chiseled, and had white boots on. The second man had black hair, olive skin, sunglasses, a sleeveless shirt, and a large golden crucifix around his neck.

"We've tracked that motherfucker to this house!" the Dean said to the Mayor.

"Mayor's angry!" shouted the Mayor. "This guy parks in a handicapped spot and he sells alcohol to kids! Mayor will not stand for that in his God-fearing town!"

"Yeah sure let's go with that" the Dean replied sarcastically as he and the Mayor led police and SWAT into the house, interrupting the party.

"Well shit, looks like this party got busted" sighed Steve.

The Mayor and Dean's party burst into the house, some guns blazing. Incompetent party-goers were mercilessly and accidentally gunned down in the lunatic men's search for a criminal.


	9. Chapter 9

Frank Smith was partying hard. He had found one of his students, a blonde named Talia, dancing her ass off. Frank took a few shots and joined her on the dance floor. As he thought about how cool he was becoming, SWAT troopers led by the Mayor and the Dean suddenly appeared. Party-goers all over screamed in terror as the troopers had their guns raised.

"Any of you fucks seen a black guy in navy blue business suit with a red tie?" the Dean demanded.

"Dean, what the hell are you doing here?" demanded Frank.

"Mayor and Dean gotta look for a guy giving beer to kids and parking illegally in town!" the Mayor yelled at Frank.

"Oh good, is that the police?" Dr. Cakes' voice interrupted the conversation.

"Doc! You called us in!" the Dean addressed Cakes.

"I did… Your suspect is in the basement. His daughter and their friends are down there but —"

"C'mon, move out!" the Mayor shouted, leading the Dean and the SWAT team downstairs to the basement. As they went, the SWAT team opened fire, accidently picking off innocent civilians. In the waning moments of chaos, surviving partygoers began to flee. People poured out of the Cakes' house like fire ants towards a meal.

"Riley! Tom! Jazmine!" Huey had just run down into the basement.

"Aye Huey, you decided to party after all" Baby Cakes said. Standing next to the giant man baby was a scowling Riley and a crying Jazmine. Tom was laying on the ground in front of Baby Cakes in fetal position.

"What the hell happened here Baby Cakes?!" Huey demanded. Suddenly, he and everybody except seemingly Riley grimaced at impending gunshot sounds.

"Oh you know… some shit. Tom here tried giving Riley and Jazmine some weed and beer. We called the cops…" Huey narrowed his eyes.

"You. You did all this. You're framing a black man for your crimes, aren't you?!" Baby Cakes froze.

"Now hold on! I love black people!" Baby Cakes argued. "They my homies…"

Suddenly, police and SWAT led by the Dean and the Mayor stormed into the basement.

"There he is! That's the guy! That's the guy!" the Mayor yelled, pointing at Tom. SWAT troopers gabbed the helpless Tom and restrained him with a nightstick to the face.

"This isn't an arrest…. This is a beating" Huey said quietly. He knew what he had to do. Meanwhile, Jazmine sobbed even more while Riley demanded to know who had snitched.

"Well, well, well" we meet again, Tom" the Dean sneered at Tom.

"Mayor's putting Tom under arrest for illegal parking and giving of drugs and alcohol to minors" the Mayor declared at the top of his lungs. "Amen" he added, kissing his cross. Amidst the chaos, other partygoers including Matt ad Flip Flop, avoided the hunting party, and fled upstairs, and deserted Huey and the others.

"You're not arresting Tom!" Huey suddenly yelled at the Dean and the Mayor. He stepped in front of the frightened and bewildered middle-aged man.

"Oh yeah?" the Dean demanded. "What are you gonna do about it you little faggot?!"

Huey got in a fighting stance and launched himself right at the Dean. The Dean had a background in WWE but wasn't prepared for Huey Freeman. Huey leapt up and roundhouse kicked the Dean straight in the jaw. The Dean flew backwards.

"Riley! Get Tom and Jazmine upstairs! Hurry!" Huey ordered his younger brother.

"Pshhhh nigga, I gotta help them bitches? That's gay!" Riley muttered as he ushered Jazmine towards the stairs while Tom didn't move. As the kids made their way to the stairs, the Mayor blocked their path.

A SWAT trooper helped the Dean up while more SWAT troopers armed with nightsticks and riot shields charged at Huey. With SWAT troopers on every side, Huey jumped up again, did a forward roll in mid-air, kicked the trooper closest to him to the ground and took his riot gear in the process. Now armed, Huey charged his foes. Two SWAT troopers flanked Huey, one on the left and one from the right. Huey jumped up as they charged, making them crash into one another. He then kicked them both squarely in the face, knocking them out cold.

As the fight initiated, Baby Cakes had tried to escape from the basement as well. He found the Mayor blocking his path, leaving him stuck like Riley and Jazmine. Dr. Cakes had decided to let the authorities handle the matter so he left the children, Tom, and his own son in the basement while he escaped his house. Meanwhile, the majority of party-goers had fled the scene.

The Dean, feeling a bit discombobulated, gave a deafening war cry before charging at the unsuspecting Huey Freeman. As Huey looked up from knocking out another SWAT trooper, he was tackled to the floor by the Dean. Pinning Huey down, the Dean went to work on Huey (no homo), punching him in the jaw, nose, and eyes.

Elsewhere, Baby Cakes was getting cornered by the Mayor. Deciding that BC was being a pussy, Riley stepped forward to confront the Mayor.

"Aye" Riley started. "I know you wanna look up to God and all but I talk to God."

"What?! You're just a kid! Mayor don't believe that!" protested the Mayor. Riley began to believe that he was in a movie.

"Well I talk to God and he wanted me to tell you that you is a bitch ass nigga! Fuck you, fuck yo SWAT team, fuck yo town, fuck yo gay ass fairy faggot sunglasses, and fuck yo bitch ass Dean partner. I'm from the streets of Chicago so I know how to punch a nigga out —" WHAM! The Mayor punched Riley in the face, knocking him down, and drawing blood.

"Ohhhhh…." Riley moaned. The Mayor pulled out a walkie talkie.

"Mayor needs back up!" he ordered into the walkie talkie.

Baby Cakes helped Riley to his feet.

"Riley, I have an idea" he said.

"What nigga?"

"Get me angry."

"The fuck?"

"Just do it nigga!"

"Aight sheesh. Let's see…. You's a little bitch! You a big bald faggot who lives with his daddy in a shitty ass house. You a 30 year old virgin who never get no pussy before! You a broke ass, faggot ass, bitch ass, ugly ass, retarded ass, pussy ass mothafucka!" Riley yelled to Baby Cakes' face. Baby Cakes took all the insults in. He also began to grimace.

"GRRRRRRR!" Baby Cakes bellowed. Suddenly, he stripped down only to his underwear. "NOBODY CALLS ME THOSE THINGS! I SMASH!" he boomed. He loomed over the Mayor and panted heavily, rumbling like an avalanche. "I GOT ALL THESE…. ANGRY FEELINGS!"

"Mayor wants Baby Cakes to stand down and shut up!" the Mayor yelled. Instead of standing down, Baby Cakes grabbed the Mayor and held the swole man in his clutch.

"ROOOAAARRR!" Boomed Baby Cakes. His mind was somewhere else. He was experiencing so many levels of anger. He lost almost all of his rational thinking to his inner hatred.

"Put Mayor down!" yelled the Mayor. Baby Cakes held the helpless Mayor above his head, not sure what to do next.

"Baby Cakes! Help me!" Huey's sudden cry from underneath the Dean's iron fist seemed to be a revelation to Baby Cakes. A revelation that seemed to awaken a certain degree of vanity within Baby Cakes's ego which compelled him to help the militant afro boy.

"MUST DESTROY!" Baby Cakes charged towards the Dean, the Mayor still in his hand. The Dean looked up from his beatdown on Huey.

"What the fuck —" WHAM! Baby Cakes threw the Mayor straight into the Dean, making both the ripped men crash into a wall, knocked out. Huey got up and caught his breath.

"You… Saved me…" he said, stunned. Baby Cakes began to breath normally.

"Yeah… I did." In the meantime, Baby Cakes and Huey eliminated the remainder of the SWAT team, Riley joining in for a few skull crushes too. Tom and Jazmine had frequented the bottom of a table, hiding under it during the melee. As soon everyone including Tom, relaxed, all Hell seem to break loose.

KABOOM! Something shot the roof of the Cakes' house to utter smithereens. Dr. Cakes made his way out of hiding as well.

"My roof!" he cried at the sight of the destruction.

"My room!" Baby Cakes cried.

"Hahahaha Mayor don't give up that easily!" Everyone down on the basement suddenly realized that the Mayor and the Dean were gone. KABOOM! The roof to the second floor was blown to smithereens. The first floor that lay above the basement was slightly destroyed, creating a hole in the basement's ceiling. A massive unmanned drone revealed itself, armed with machine guns, rocket launchers, and lasers. "President Reagan gave Mayor a new toy for him being a great Mayor!" the Mayor laughed from the surface. "Now Mayor gonna kill y'all with his new drone backup!"

"Reagan?!" Huey blurted out.

"What the fuck is this?!" a shirtles Frank Smith yelled from the living room which was now slightly visible to the basement occupants, curtesy of the destructive drones. Frank made a nervous step backward and the drone shot the place where Frank's foot had stood seconds prior. "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Frank shrieked maniacally.

"Frank! Get out there!" Dr. Cakes called up to his 'friend'. Frank, in a panic, made a break for the basement, only to trip, fall through the remains of the floor, and land flat on his face on his face in the basement.

Inside the basement, Baby Cakes stared at the drone in horror.

"Dad, can you fix it?"

"Son, that drone is highly advanced military technology that I don't know shit about!" Dr. Cakes protested to his son.

"Oh! Ohhhh shit!" Baby Cakes cried.

Up in the sky, the drone attempted to get a reading on its impending target: Tom. Unbeknownst to everyone else, Tom's navy blue trousers were now wet with urine.

"Baby Cakes, we can't stay here with that drone!" Huey yelled at Baby Cakes with urgency.

"But Huey, this is my house!"

"No son, he's right" said Dr. Cakes. Huey looked at Dr. Cakes.

"You got a secret passageway or something? Something that leads around the drone?"

"I got just the thing!" Dr. Cakes declared, as if a lightbulb glowed over his head. Quickly, he sprinted over to work bench. He returned with an object that at first glance, looked like a simple mega phone. "This is my teleporter! I can transport everyone to the street. I set it for across the street."

"Hurry!" ordered Huey.

"All right! All right! Jesus Christ!" Just as Dr. Cakes managed to activate his transporter machine, the device was suddenly to turned to dust in his hands. The drone's laser disintegrated the machine. "Ahhhh! My invention!" cried Dr. Cakes.

"Aughhhh! We're doomed!" cried Frank from behind Baby Cakes. "My life sucks."

"No. We're not doomed" said Baby Cakes dramatically. "I'm getting us out of here." Riley stared at Baby Cakes.

"The fuck?! Dis nigga who couldn't lead a tour group be savin' us?!"

"How are you going to possibly do anything?!" demanded Tom.

"I got this" Baby Cakes simply replied. He narrowed his eyes. "Everyone in here. Climb on me or get into arms when I say."

"Son are you crazy?" Dr. Cakes questioned in disbelief.

"No not this week! I got get my friends and family out of here or we'll all be dead. We could diiiiieee."

Dr. Cakes sighed.

"All right everyone, climb on." Baby Cakes opened himself up for everyone. Tom hoisted Jazmine up into Baby Cakes' arms aloing with Huey and Riley. Tom, Dr. Cakes, and a reluctant Frank climbed into his arms.

"BC, you a homo for dis" muttered Riley.

At long last, the drone found its way into the basement. All batteries opened fire as it blasted its way in. Baby Cakes stared the drone in the electronic eye.

"Time to go!" he cried. Baby Cakes, using all his might and strength, charged up the charred remains of the basement stairs with his father, Frank, and new friends in his hands.


End file.
